My new living room rug

I bought a new rug for the living room. Doesn’t it look nice?

It was on clearance. Really.

My husband came home and I proudly showed him the new rug. (I also mentioned the low price of course. Twice.)

He walked over and examined it. Then he patted it and said, “I’m sorry.”

I said, “WHAT? Why are you apologizing to a rug?! Because it had the bad luck to be bought by ME?!”

He shrugged and nodded a little. “Well,” he added. “You know that everything in our house gets destroyed.”

The sad thing is, I can’t even argue with that.

Moms are so embarrassing!

Everyone has a story about being embarrassed by their mother when they were younger. Some are worse than others, of course.

(For a story about how I embarrassed my own teenager click here.)

My personal embarrassing memories are pretty tame.

For example, I was extremely mortified by my mother when I was in junior high school because she would drop me off RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MALL instead of hiding down the street like any respectable parent should, thus exposing to the world that I, in fact, was reliant on parents for transportation and not a fully independent unit at the ripe age of 13.

Obviously, I was a dumb spoiled kid. Don’t even get me started on the time my grandma picked me up from school and actually WAVED from her car. Where people could SEE her! Shudder.

Anyways, like I said, my embarrassment was not so bad.

But I have a friend who was in seventh grade when her mother announced to everyone they knew, “My little girl is a Woman now!”

She says she still hasn’t forgiven her mom for that one.

But I think the kid that wins Most Embarrassing Mom, hands-down, is this one:

Image from Time via USA Today

You remember this mother and son from Time magazine a couple of years ago?

This kid should be, what, in kindergarten or first grade now? Imagine when he gets to middle school.

Shudder.

Crockpot Lasagna

This recipe that I got from “Simple and Delicious” magazine turned out pretty well.

(Here’s the link to their website but you have to have a subscription to look at the actual recipes.)

I’ll warn you that I am the inaccuracy and substitution QUEEN when it comes to recipes, however.

First of all, Here’s the original recipe in bold:

Spinach Alfredo Lasagna
•1 pound ground beef
•1 medium onion, chopped
•2 garlic cloves, minced
•1 jar (24 ounces) spaghetti sauce
•1 carton (15 ounces) ricotta cheese
•1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
•2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley
•1/2 teaspoon pepper
•1 package (8 ounces) no-cook lasagna noodles
•8 cups (32 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
•1 package (10 ounces) frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
•1 jar (15 ounces) Alfredo sauce

• In a large skillet, cook beef, onion and garlic over medium heat 6-8 minutes or until beef is no longer pink, breaking up beef into crumbles; drain. Stir in spaghetti sauce.

Okay, so I mostly followed the first step, except I heated up some leftover meat sauce we had from spaghetti the day before and just added a big can of Hunt’s spaghetti sauce to it.

Okay, so I didn’t really follow the first step.

•    In a small bowl, mix ricotta cheese, Parmesan cheese, parsley and pepper. Spread 1 cup meat mixture onto the bottom of an ungreased 5- or 6-qt. slow cooker. Arrange four noodles over sauce, breaking noodles to fit if necessary; layer with half of the ricotta mixture, 2 cups mozzarella cheese and 1 cup meat mixture.

This part I did according to the recipe. Although making those rectangular noodles fit into the round crock pot? It requires a little more than “breaking to fit.” I felt like I should get out an X-Acto knife. It was messy; I won’t lie.

•    Top with four noodles, spinach, Alfredo sauce and 2 cups mozzarella cheese. Continue layering with four noodles, remaining ricotta mixture, 2 cups mozzarella cheese and 1 cup meat mixture. Add any remaining noodles; top with remaining meat mixture and mozzarella cheese.

I have to say, this is the most interesting part of the recipe. Adding Alfredo sauce AND regular red spaghetti sauce? Amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!

Maybe I need to get out more.

•    Cook, covered, on low 4-5 hours or until noodles are tender.

Well, even I couldn’t mess up that last step.

I was surprised this recipe came out as well as it did. Everyone ate it and it actually resembled real lasagna, unlike most crockpot recipes, which are just noodles and sauce and cheese in a jumble.

Plus nobody complained about the spinach, since its annoying healthiness was tempered by the yummy Alfredo sauce.

This picture is just to show you how pretty the food can look when not made or photographed by me.

A Major Milestone

I would like for everyone to celebrate with me, as I passed a major parenting milestone this summer.

…wait for it….

EVERYONE CAN PUT ON THEIR OWN SEAT BELTS IN THE CAR NOW!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it?

Now, to those of you who don’t have little kids, or have forgotten what it’s like to have little kids:

This is a big deal.

I have spent SEVENTEEN YEARS buckling people into car seats, kneeling on crumb-covered carpets and upholstery, handling sticky buckles and straps, maneuvering past struggling arms and legs. BUT NO MORE!!!

Now I sit calmly in the driver’s seat of the van and I say cheerily, “Buckle up!” and they ACTUALLY DO IT!

HOORAY!

Baking for the Lazy

Or, My Very Favorite Cookies, HOORAY!

At the commissary I saw they had Hershey’s Kisses on clearance for 99 cents.

Okay, I’ll admit, they were in red and green wrappers, and Christmas was about nine months ago, but still…

NINETY-NINE CENT KISSES!!!!

I could not pass that up. Come on to town, Santa! I’ll take chocolate anytime!

To further celebrate, I bought peanut butter cookie dough in the dairy section so that I could make:

THE (DELICIOUSLY) EASIEST COOKIES ON EARTH!!

(Yes, I know this picture is terrible. That’s why this is a HUMOR blog, and not a cooking blog. Or a photography one, for that matter.)

Trash Day Tragedy

One Tuesday morning, I was calmly brushing my teeth when I heard a rumbling noise outside.

Hmm, I thought. That sounds like a the trash truck. Good thing I put the trash out last night.

Then I thought, Wait, DID I put the trash out last night?

I remember INTENDING to put the trash out.

But when I first thought of the trash, it was raining out. “I’ll do it later,” I told myself.

I remembered again after dinner. ‘I’ll do it after I finish the dishes,” I told myself.

The next time I remembered, I was already in bed. “I’ll do it in the morning,” I told myself.

GAH!!!! I realized. IT’S MORNING NOW!!!!

I ran downstairs and flew out the front door… in time to see the trash truck disappearing down the street.

I know they saw me chasing them.

I can’t imagine why they didn’t stop…

Dolphins and Penguins and Sharks, Oh My!

Over the weekend we went to Sea Life Park, which is here on O’ahu.

(My friend had discount passes. Score!)

I had heard it was not as nice as bigger parks like Sea World in Florida but I was pleasantly surprised. It was small but there were a lot of nice animals to see. Plus the location right beside the ocean made the view unbeatable.

The dolphin show (see above) was the best part; the kids really enjoyed that. While waiting for the show to start, we passed out snacks to the kids.

My friend had packed peanut butter crackers and apple slices for her kids. (Good Mom Points for preparation and healthy snacks!)

I had forgotten to pack snacks and had instead stopped at the convenience store on the way for sodas, cookies and chips. (Bad Mom Points for forgetfulness and junk food.)

When Boo opened her Dr. Pepper it spewed sticky soda all over her lap and the surrounding bleachers. Whoops.She blamed me for shaking it up in my purse. I said, “Oh, EXCUSE me for carrying your refreshing chilled beverage through this hot park on my own back!” (Bad Mom Points for sarcasm.)

Our group sidled away from the spilled soda puddle and pretended not to notice when some foreign tourists came over and discussed the mess at length. I hadn’t brought any napkins or wet wipes, so there was nothing else to do about the spill but ignore it. (Bad Mom Points for unpreparedness.)

My friend’s kids, who had been eating their nice healthy snacks, caught sight of my kids Pile o’Junk Food. Of course they immediately began clamoring for chips and cookies.

I did make my kids share with their junk-deprived friends. (I’m not sure if that’s Bad or Good Mom Points,actually. Sharing is good, right? Corrupting your friend’s children is bad, though.)

In any case, the kids had a great time at the park and got to feed the birds, pet the sea turtle, and view the penguins, sharks and dolphins at length.

Maybe I can have some Good Mom Points for a day of fun at a discount price…

Duped by the tabloids

I like to read the tabloid headlines while I’m waiting in line at the store.

Oh, come on! You know you do it too!

But the other day one magazine interested me so much I had to buy it:

I just HAD to know about Angelina Jolie and how she was pregnant with twins again!

(In my defense, I have a lot in common with Angelina. I am a mother of twins myself. And a brunette. And… Okay, I guess that’s where our similarities end.)

So, as a fellow mother, I wanted to read all about this. Could she really be pregnant with twins AGAIN? There was an ultrasound of two babies right on the cover!

I mean, it does happen! Once you’ve had twins, you’re more likely to do it again.

Which is why I’ve had my tubes tied, but I digress.

Even the drugstore checkout girl was interested in the cover of the magazine. “Wow!” she said. “Is she really pregnant with twins again?” We discussed it at length.

Anyways, the short answer is…

She’s NOT.

Inside the magazine, you find that the only facts they actually have is that “a source” says that Angelina is “interested” in having more children, and that she might “consider” in-vitro and “possibly” have twins again.

LAME.

And that ultrasound on the cover?

In tiny tiny letters (white on gray) it says, “Ultrasound could look like this.”

I was FISHED IN!!!

Well played, OK Magazine.

How to tell that you’ve been eating at McDonald’s too often

I picked up Happy Meals for the twins in the drive-thru and passed the food to the backseat while driving to keep them quiet for five minutes.

What, like YOU’VE never done that?!

Little Boy opened his and exclaimed:

“Awww, a FART GUN?! We already HAVE a fart gun.”

Sometimes you look at your kids and think, Maybe I should just start over…